September 7, 2021
Change is what grounds me. Which is a contradiction in itself and especially hard, being a Four.
My Design Earth sits there, so it’s basically how I am. All my life, I’ve been hungry as hell for the new experience. It’s part of one of my four Channels, too, so I literally AM a Jack of all Trades. If you are curious, I have listed a few of them on my About page and you can get the whole picture in my public bio on LinkedIn, if you’re a member. I have selected ten of my job experiences in little stories there.
And I’ve dragged a lot of people with me in the process.
Some of them weren’t so amused. 😝
I sometimes wish, it could’ve been different. That I could’ve been different. I know, that my stepping out of certain relationships wasn’t particularly graceful. That I hurt a lot of people. And there’s not much I can do about it now.
I went through many disruptions. 😥
Many changes of places, jobs, apartments and relationships in my life. I moved 20 times! Literally living in a road movie. 🚗
In the first 50 years of my life, there was no time to breathe, no time to reflect.
Always something new to see, somewhere new to go, someone new to meet.
I often had to leave the old, before I had the new. Which is poison to a Four. Once, I wrote 116 applications to find a new job. 😲
I’ve felt bad for it in the past, because I was conditioned to hope for the class mate, that would stay friends with me forever. 😍
For the job, that would feed me, even when I’d be old. 🪂
For the house, that I’d buy and live in, until I’d die. 🏡
For the love of my life. 💗
Just like other people do.
But that’s not your game, when you’re a 35.4!
Instead life dragged me on and on and on. Through all these cycles, shorter and longer ones, that spun me around and away, from one experience into the next.
I can only accept the fact, that:
My life was messy.
It didn’t go according to plan. At least, not my plans. They only made G.O.D. lol. 😁
Up to my Chiron return, my life has been one big inhale. I took in more and more and more, until I was so full of all the experiences, that I was ready to burst.
I had to stop. And prepare to exhale.
I got a time out. And I lost the stressful job, lost the incompatible partner, lost the false friends. I needed time to heal, to get myself back together and to reflect on the lessons of the past. 🚑
After four years of digestion, integration and investigation, I’m slowly coming out of my shell again. Up to a point. Because I see myself more clearly. I see my limitations and boundaries. What I can, and what I can’t do anymore. 🧚♀️
After the standstill – and yes, it did happen, even before the pandemic started – I’m moving into a new phase: The Exhale.
I’m exhaling my experiences. For you.
I’m writing. And I can’t seem to stop. My Line Experiences, eBooks and newsletters are gluing me to my Laptop. I listen to deep house or the white noise of my kitchen fan to help me concentrate.
Writing is all, my body wants me to do. 📝
And believe me, it’s still hard for me to identify with that 35.4, because it’s unconscious. I feel much more at home with my conscious One, my Investigator Personality.
The good thing is that the 35.4 lets off with age. The hunger lessens. I’ve had a full life. I’ve had my share of experiences. And I’m grateful. 🙏
Until now, I have devoured my life. Stuffing my face with both hands. Now I’m sampling. I’m much more selective. I choose carefully, what I do next. Where I put my energy. Which cycle I start. I’m glad, that the dance has slowed down for me.
I get to turn inwards to write my treasures down. 📚
I have been journaling all my life. And it’s so much fun, to get back to my memories and give them another life. So they can stimulate, entertain and inspire you.
There’s a chance, that they do. You’re still reading, aren’t you? 😉
But if they don’t,that’s fine by me, too.
After all, I can only do, what I feel pushed to do.
And even that isn’t really my doing. 🙌